How to stop focussing on the bad

How do negative thoughts often start? When something bad happens to you. Because once it happens, you often only see the disadvantages, and inevitably, you develop the fear of it happening again. Every time you focus on the bad, you nourish the fear of it happening again, and when that happens, it actually becomes more likely to occur a second time. It‘s a vicious circle.

Imagine you get into a heated discussion with a friend. The friend gets really mad at you (the bad), and you start regretting that you expressed your opinion. You feel bad about what you said (you focus on the bad) and think that maybe next time, you will shut your mouth instead (the fear of it happening again).

But what can you actually learn from it?

Maybe the friend was not really a friend when he or she did not value your opinion. Or you may have expressed it in a bad way. Analyze and think about what you could do differently next time, instead of letting the fear stop you.

Why we “need” the bad

What do we do when bad things happen to us? We feel bad, disappointed, powerless, sad. Seeing any advantage seems impossible, of course. Life is not meant to feel this way, right? It’s unfair, right? Well, life would not be half as interesting if it was always fine. So basically the bad makes space for the good. It lets us strive for the good. If there were no bad, the good would be usual, normal and boring. Keep that in mind.

Embrace it

Instead of regretting that it happened, embrace the bad and look for what you can learn from it. Look at it like this: It was supposed to happen because it gives you a lesson. Only if you don’t allow that lesson, it is nothing else than bad. Take that: Once you learn something from the bad, it turns into something good! Every bad is an opportunity to learn and grow.  

When something bad happens and you get worked up about it, you quickly develop fear. And here’s what that fear looks like:

• The fear that stops your growth

The next time you want to make any decision, the fear will pop up and tell you: „Do you really want to take the risk that it ends like last time?“… and probably, you’ll end up taking a step backward and refrain from deciding. However, this is just the wrong thing to do, because, like this, you will never grow in your life ever again.

Decisions are important for us to grow, and we should use that power and not let fear beat us. I invite you to read more about this in my post on the power of choice.

• The fear that nourishes insecurity

The next time you do something you decided, it actually goes wrong, because you doubted beforehand… Have you ever feared that something could go wrong, and in the end, it actually went wrong? That’s the paradox of this fear. When you fear that something might go wrong, you become insecure, and when you’re insecure, it’s more likely you make mistakes. When you live life with handbrakes on only to prevent things from going wrong, they are more likely to go wrong, because you’re not going full-on.  Imagine you want to do a handstand but out of experience you know you might fall. Then either swallow that fear and give it everything or don’t try at all, because once you doubt, your insecurity arises and you most likely will fall.

So what can you do to control the fear?

• Accept the fear

Yes, you need to acknowledge the fear and accept it as a part of you. It is kind of normal that you have it. We all tend to focus on the bad because we regret the bad. We don’t regret good things, so we think less about them. And as the fear is a part of you, you can learn to control it.

• Stop overthinking every decision and be intuitive instead

If you don’t allow yourself to think too much about every decision, your bad experiences are less likely to stop you. So be intuitive, trust your gut, and just go for it.

• Act like a baby

You read that right. A baby does not even know it might fall before it tries to walk. So what I want you to do is to just go for it and don’t think about the consequences. If you don’t expect anything, you stay more open to learning something, no matter what happens.

• Refresh your brain 

After every bad thing, no matter whether you got worked up about it or not, do a restore of your brain. Tell yourself that even last time something ended badly, next time is different and anything can happen.

• be aware that fear is your only enemy

Fear increases the probability of bad things happening. Know that when you tell yourself to be fearless, chances are high that good things happen more often.

• tell yourself that no matter what, you’re always going to learn something

Out of the good and the bad, you learn. Don’t let the fear beat you and hold you back. You are stronger than your fear.

Change your mindset and it will change your destiny

Think less, be open and know that you are here to learn. Whatever bad happens, you learn. Focus on learning instead. When you always focus on what you learn, you change your mindset, and your mindset changes your destiny. How?

Because then, no bad thing stays a bad thing but becomes a part of your learning process.