Today I show myself vulnerable and fight my perfectionism

These words come to you right from my heart- I deeply appreciate you taking the time to read them.

I’m writing this into my notebook, because I believe it will help me to order my thoughts. I haven’t been mentally feeling good these last few days, and I decide to write about it this week and do something I haven’t done for a long time, without being aware of it: show myself vulnerable.

This post is an exploration of what a fulfilled life truly means; I write about perfectionism, the pressure of having to perform, overthinking and allowing your emotions. It is also a way for me to understand what’s going on inside of me, and at the same time I want to inspire you to not shy away from showing yourself vulnerable.

How I feel today

I feel unmotivated and uninspired. I don’t want to do any work, especially the work related to the blog. And this stresses me out.

Why?

I usually update regularly, one post a week, and whenever my inspiration level is low like right now, I put a lot of pressure on myself, because I can’t run on high productivity mode when I feel this way – I can’t produce my best work. This gives me a lot of mental stress, and I feel like a failure.

Keep pushing…?

Then I’ll tell myself to gulp it down and keep pushing – because that’s supposed to make me stronger. Of course this is true, but at some point, I start lying to myself and I put on a mask. I force myself to work, but my soul’s not in it, and I’m not true to myself.

I lose my authenticity, my true voice.

The pressure of trying to function perfectly all the time

Yesterday, I started writing the weekly e-mail for my GOALS for GROWTH subscribers. My latest goal’s just finished, and I wanted to write an e-mail to my subscribers and tell them how proud I was feeling, beaming with positivity, while internally, I was battling with myself, not really feeling what I was writing.

After struggling for some time to get the words out, I decided to not send that e-mail.

That decision made me realize something.

I’m a perfectionist.

I felt like a failure – admitting that I couldn’t send the e-mail, because I couldn’t work perfectly.

And even while I’m writing this, I get the confirmation of my perfectionism after every single word – my brain is yelling at me that I definitely need to rephrase this entire thing and make it prettier, or just don’t write it at all.

I also don’t really want to write a post about my vulnerability, because I want to perform with my best work all the time. It is hard to say that I need a break from blogging to reconnect with myself, because I can’t allow my weakness.

I beat myself up for my weakness, which turns me into a hypocrite, as I’m always preaching that we shouldn’t beat ourselves up.

Calling myself a hypocrite waters the self-doubts…

I start to think I’m not good enough to run a blog, the comparing begins and I remind myself that I can’t be weak if I’m being serious about this, and I have to work harder. Then, the next thought: Am I even serious about this? Why can’t I just push through and keep going?

The next thought is to stop overreacting. I remind myself that life draws no straight line – it is a constant up and down. And if I’m in the abyss right now, I just need to continue walking in the dark, because the next way up is right around the corner.

Analyst by profession

Self-awareness and analyzing my situation and my thoughts is what made me start my personal growth journey, which I’m thankful for – but I also tend to overanalyze. I’ll then analyze why I feel the way I do up to the point where I become really confused.

I then realize I’m overthinking, and again call myself a hypocrite.

This is how the negative spiral goes on, forever, if I don’t stop it.

This reminds me that overthinking is a huge happiness and self-confidence killer.

The state I’m in makes me understand better the very thing I write about all the time: How we sabotage ourselves and our happiness by overthinking.

Here it goes again…

“This is so bad, nobody will read this, because nobody’s interested in your complaints. Why do you even want to post this? Oh, and even if you do, rewrite this whole thing. PLEASE!”

I now take a deep breath and acknowledge those thoughts. I know they’re just coming from my perfectionist mindset that tells me to shut up and write a new post with tips that can actually help people.

But I dare to disagree.

I show my vulnerability. I’m not perfect, and I don’t want to be. I’m a flawed human, just like everyone of us is, and I need to learn to love myself for my flaws. I can do only what I can and be as strong as I am.

This is just one step more on my personal growth journey.

I allow my flaws and acknowledge them as a part of me. They don’t make me bad, they make me whole. They help me grow.

Allowing my emotions

I tend to store my emotions away and put on a mask – I dig a gap between my mind and my emotions and “voluntarily” part myself and make myself incomplete. Like this, I basically reach the exact opposite from what I want to be – perfect and whole.

My new mission to find back the access to my emotions, and I’m doing this by being vulnerable today. I show you what goes on inside of me these days and by doing so, I step out of my comfort zone.

If you feel weak, please know…

It’s okay to feel weak. Allow yourself to feel the way you feel and don’t suppress your emotions for the sake of performing.

We’re all humans on the same mission: Make the time we have the best and most fulfilled possible.

It all comes together to one: The ups, the downs, your strengths, your weaknesses, your struggles, and above all, your emotions… everything mixed together is what I call a fulfilled life.

And I want the whole package. I want to live the most fulfilled life I can possibly have.

Be you, always

If you believe you must be at your 100% all the time… please stop, because eventually you might burn out. Allow yourself to be you. Human, flawed and emotional. Take a break when you need it, give room to your feelings and stay true to your heart.

If you’ve had an experience similar to mine, I’d love for you to tell me in the comments; to show me that I’m not alone with this.

I’m so thankful that you took the time to read my emotional outburst that I so desperately needed. It was a really important step for me on my journey.

One last thing.

Appreciate where you are. You’re exactly where you are supposed to be.

Thank you, your presence here means the world to me.

Love,